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In the world of software engineering, we obsess over user requirements, scalable architecture, and fast deployments. We build new features, debug systems, and fix issues with laser focus but there is one crucial area that most engineers quietly neglect — seeking feedback through one-on-one conversations. “We work together every day so, why do we need a separate meeting?” is the mindset that quietly stalls growth.

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” – Ken Blanchard

 

An engineer who didn’t seek feedback

When Priya joined a high performing engineering team, she was thrilled. The team was collaborative, the tech stack was modern, and her manager was approachable. But after an year, something felt off. Despite working hard and contributing solid code, she wasn’t getting promoted. Her peer got a leadership opportunity she thought she deserved. In frustration, she reached out to her manager, “I thought you knew I wanted to grow. We work together every day!”

Her manager sighed gently and said, “Priya, we’ve had one-on-ones on the calendar every other week but you kept canceling or skipping them.”. I even let you find a convenient time for this but still you did not make time for our one-on-ones.

That’s when it hit her that working together isn’t the same as talking about growth. One-on-ones are not just about status updates. They’re growth conversations and she had opted out.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

An analogy: Debugging without logs

Skipping one-on-ones is like debugging a production issue without looking at logs. You might guess what’s wrong, but you won’t know for sure and the problem might grow in silence until it becomes a crisis.

Likewise, engineers who avoid one-on-ones operate in a feedback vacuum. They miss out on signals on how they’re perceived, where they can improve, and what opportunities lie ahead.

 

Why engineers avoid One-on-Ones

Software engineers are great at solving complex problems with code — but are often uncomfortable discussing complex emotions, career goals, or feedback in person. So, when a calendar invite pops up for a one-on-one, it’s easy to think:

• “What’s the point? My work speaks for itself”
• “We just had a team stand-up”
• “There’s nothing urgent so I will skip”
• "What can my manager share, I know I am the best at my work"
• "Managers are non-technical, they will only waste time"
• "My manager knows nothing about my work"
• "My client manager is more important than my own organization's manager"

They never realize that this mindset is so dangerous. One-on-ones aren’t optional ceremonies, they’re the engine room of personal and professional growth.

“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.” – Bill Gates

 

Consequences of ignoring One-on-Ones

Here's what happens without regular one-on-ones:

• Blind spots fester – You don’t know what leadership or peers really think of your performance.
• Career goals stall – No one can support your growth if you never articulate your aspirations.
• Misunderstandings multiply – Unspoken issues or frictions quietly erode trust.
• Recognition is missed – You assume your work is seen, but it might not be understood in the way you hope.

“Without feedback, you’re flying blind.” – Ken Blanchard

 

See what great professionals or leaders have to say about this

• Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft - credits his personal and professional transformation to a culture of empathy and active feedback. He encourages leaders to be “learn-it-alls, not know-it-alls.”
• Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor, emphasizes that “Guidance — praise and criticism, is the atomic building block of management.” And one-on-ones are the foundation where that guidance lives.
• Julie Zhuo, former VP of Product Design at Facebook, calls one-on-ones “the most important meeting you’ll have” as a manager or IC, because they’re the only space designed just for you.

 

The hidden power of One-on-Ones

When done right, one-on-ones become:

• A safe space for honest feedback.
• A lab for career experiments and exploration.
• A mirror for self-awareness.
• A signal booster for achievements and aspirations.
• A pressure release valve for frustrations.
• A relationship builder.
• A window into what the manager thinks about you.
• An opportunity to seek help and support.

The truth? Most engineers under-utilize this time. They see it as status or sync time, when really, it should be about reflection, feedback, and future.

 

You need to lean in

Yes, one-on-ones can feel awkward. Yes, it’s hard to say, “Can you tell me what I could be doing better?” But that discomfort is the doorway to growth.

When you open up in a one-on-one, you give your manager the permission and context to coach, mentor, and advocate for you. You shift from being a doer to being a self-directed professional.

 

Tips to make the most of One-on-Ones

• Prepare beforehand: Reflect on questions like “What’s going well?”, “What’s not?”, “What am I unsure about?”
• Ask for feedback directly: Don’t wait for performance reviews. Try: “What’s one thing I could improve?”
• Be open about goals: Growth doesn’t happen accidentally. Declare your intent.
• Make it a dialogue: Don’t let it become a monologue from your manager or from yourself. Bring questions. Make it a discussion.
• Follow up: If you get actionable feedback, act on it. Then loop back.

 

Finally, don’t just code - Converse

Code reviews can improve your coding skills. Design meetings can sharpen your thinking. But one-on-ones? They improve you. So don’t dodge them. Don’t treat them like routine meetings. Embrace them as the most high-leverage hour of your week. If you're not having a regular, meaningful one-on-ones, you’re leaving growth on the table.

“One-on-one meetings are your opportunity to listen, learn, and lead—no matter what your title is.”

If you don't have a calendar invite for this then ask for one or better still set up one yourself. The next time that calendar invite pops up — don’t cancel, lean in. You might be just one conversation away from your next big leap.